Poem published in the "Angry Asian Feminists Unite!" community zine via Angry Asian Womxn.
flight like a reset
chasing after the sun
is (s)he sick yet
of waiting for the train’s headlights brighter than rays of sun?
finally
daybreak to awaken and to put to sleep
in the ache i feel it
every blister and cramp into firmness
to be held and kissed or bitten
or shattered like porcelain
lived long enough to buy a pack of Tsingtao Beer
tastes exactly as i always imagined it
The smell,/. distinctly Chinese.
something they can’t quite sniff out
i walk close to the platform’s edge for someone scared of getting
pushed off it
sometimes I tire of looking for beauty in capitalism-
maladaptive habit learned young from parents,
like lying to myself
someone tells me under their breath:
my mere presence has warranted a HR meeting
without me, with everyone else laughing.
I already knew something was up, so I don’t care.
in the ache i feel it
in the numbness it becomes i feel it still
the sway of each car a rhythmic lullaby
when heritage is
a memory that keeps slipping
further away
at least here they don’t recognize my deadname
but now i look like a man but talk as a girl
or i look as a girl but talk like a man
Headstrong.
Head filled with nicotine.
Womb cradling a growing beer belly.
i carry myself in the body parts i want to tear out
in the numbness it becomes i feel it still
the sway of each car a rhythmic lullaby
the same walk home, the same falling star
knowing i never want to be anything like my father
the cold calls me to sleep, to dream
feet first and i can’t stay long
april frostbite, going numb
and in the ache i feel it